feels like im falling in love alone

hi, its not like you will ever see this and if you do you will ask who it was thats hurt me.
its seems i used to be able to tell you everything and know that you would be there the second i needed you. im sick of chasing you and your time and im sick of knowing theres a wall between us holding us back.
you used to say to me the bad boys always got the girl, what about me?
where do i fit into your life?
you always said if i needed you no matter when you would come.
where are you now?
you always said i could count on you.
why am i alone?
im so sick of hating you then falling back under your spell the second you text or i see you.
im haunted by the memories and can no longer listen to songs or hear words without thinking of you.
If this is all just some game to you, im telling you it stops now.
you have no IDEA the things im going through and how much i need your help
so i guess the main idea is; fuck you.
fuck your amazing smile
fuck your childish laugh
fuck your soothing voice
fuck you for invading my mind
fuck you for making me happy
fuck you for abandonding me
but mainly fuck you for making me love you.
with unshead tears and a broken heart, Helena.

* this is NOT to an ex.

dedicated to a mystery

happiness, its seen and felt by every person but your discription may differ from that other person.
things that make me happy:
1) music -
music is a language, an outlet for every emotion through poetic words and harmonic chords but most of all whatever mood im in music makes me happy.
2) the beach -
ever lost in thoughts and want to get a away? all it takes in a cool afternoon on a small part of the beach by yourself watching the waves, it may seem lonely but the power the waves have the force they bring to my emotions makes me feel so much better.
3) writing -
wether it means writing music, a blog, my english home work or a story, writing its an outlet for emotions
4) nighttime -
night is still and calm and yet so scary and mysterious the darkness hides anything we do not want to show, the dark makes me happy.
5) friends -
being able to relax and have a fun carefree time with my friends, people i trust and love makes me feel amazing
6) planes -
to most people plane trips are dead boring but to me planes are an amazing force that something so heavy could fly into the sky and move you so far, it perplexes me.
7) cooking -
being in the kitchen is something i enjoy.
being able to take amount of things and putting them together to make something all the more better and being able to share that.
8) running -
its the most invigorating thing, it feels so amazing to run and run and run and to get to that point where you can stop and feeling every muscle and bone hurting from that run but getting excatly what you want from it.
9) laughter -
enough said.
10) living -
life is the most fragile and precious thing we own, infact we dont own it
its a gift that seems to be on loan like someone giving you a tv they are renting only for them to take it back when their lease is up.
without life i wouldnt be happy because i would no longer exist.

so there annoymous while they may seem stupid and lame those things are some of the things that make me my happiest.
the end of my dedication to happiness, but not the end of my happiness.

the lone pine

you are a tree,
the strong trunk.
a branch; a year
a leaf; a day
every single molecule make you that bit different from that next pine.
you grow every day and yearn to fight to get to the sun.
as you grow you may loose your lower branches, leaves may drift and fall to the ground like memories planted at the back of your mind.
but in fighting to grow we then become scared that we shall be cut down; to no longer exist.
and maybe there a trees out there who believe in an after life of being A4 paper or cerial containers.
but eventually your strong, oh so indestructable trunk gets destroyed and will break down to form a new tree, maybe one who's seed has fallen from your branches or the ones of some tree your close to; a new life fighting a new set of trees to reach the sun.

it really seems that we on live to die, your born, you grow up, you die.
yes there is more to life then gaining age.
but whats the point?
for years it has been mans unsolveable question; whats the meaning of life?
but really why are we hear, we are trying to lengthen life now, trying to halt life to continue it at a later date but what is the need.
we grow and grow like the pines in a state forrest but eventually a chainsaw is going to come along and cut you down.
so why did we grow in the first place?