for once I'd like to believe

So as I sat there in the 11pm Christmas service at St Andrews church
It got me thinking.
Religion
First of all I can't spell it, thank you dictionary.
Okay so many people have written blog’s about this whole god stuff
And I'm going to say it now and so you can refer to this point
I'm not saying that you’re an idiot/loser/fuckwit if you chose to believe or not to believe in god or whatever you do believe in blah blah blah.
Glad that’s over.

People have this discussion all the time, people devote their lives to proving and disproving the bible ect.
But its people who believe in what I believe in that I pity
And that’s nothing
I wish that I could believe that ill die and meet the big man himself and just all “hey, I went to church and I'm sorry for all the mean things I thought about the people I went to high school with can I go to heaven now?”
And then me, god, Jesus and some other dead people can all just be ‘illin in the clouds for eternity. (btw that’s just my simplification of heaven its not like that or whatever)
I just wish that if something bad were to happen that I could kneel down and talk to no one and believe that if I've been good enough god will save me.

I guess something else that makes me thing is the whole: I dedicate my life to god.
I mean wow. Dedicating your life to something that has not be proven or dis-proved
I kinda think that takes courage, to be able to put yourself out there.
Granted the bible has a few contradictions,
God loves everyone…. Except gays.
No one is worthy of heaven….but you can possibly get there.
Yeah… that’s a little weird.

And what about repenting
I could go my whole life “sinning” and then on my death bed repent and mean it and me and heaven are set.
And “hell”? I here its not a place I hear its just dieing and that’s where your life ends.
To me that’s a loop whole cause if you die and go to “hell” but you were holy then you obviously sinned to much.
For those who do believe I want you to get to heaven so you don't end up having believed something so fully and it not being real.
Because that would be a let down.

Merry Christmas :D


btw i havent finished yet.

more no more.

i love dogs.
infact i feel my dog is underapriciated.
i mean every single time i walk through the front door he bounds up to me like nothing could make him happier then having me walk through the door
or even if i scream at him for peeing on the carpet or going to my room and eating things
he still is so excited even if i just sit there and scratch his little face.

so ive compleatly forgotten what i was about to say.

oh yeah
im a bitch
no really i am
your probably thinking wtf? helena.
but seriously when it comes down to fights and shit
i come up with mass ownage sentances.
which im proud of only
it makes me such a bitch.
i kind of like being a rude person
but only some people get it so you have to explain it to people who give you mass disaproving looks for saying the word fuck.

so i went to the primary school reunion
HOLY SHIT
it was pretty much a fail.
and as soon as i turn up the first thing lauren says to me is: "im glad you came cause if you haddent i would of be angry at you"
WTF
honestly i said i was coming and just cause i was five minutes late she raged.
oh and then later me and katie and avalon were likw 5 minutes late coming back from the shops when we went to get food and she CALLS me and is all WHERE ARE YOU?

anywayss.... YAY NO MORE LANGUAGE CLASS EVERRRRRRRRR
I HATE MRS PATEL AND I NEVER HAVE TO HAVE HER AGAIN :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

im watching all of scrubs :)

but i dont like change

i am so sick of everything
i want change
im so ready to get on a plane and just leave
i dont care where i go but im done.
but in all honesty; i hate change
it never fixes things
and then everything youve been comfertable with is gone.
i want to do something
im just so bored.
i actually sat in my room and looked out the window from when it was light till dark, i dont do that i dont just sit there.
i want to be able to do something big and creative but i just cant.
i dont ever even think i have anything creative
sure i can sing
but nothing inspires me enough that i dont start it and half way through i stop,
"im so sick of my life; but i dont like change."

so no one reads this and i can say whatever i want.
ill be honest
i miss andrew and i know i shouldnt
he was one of the worst mistakes of my life but even so i know that i still care about him
and im sick of feeling so down all the time
i listen to everyones problems all the time
but its never my turn to be honest and talk about my feelings,
the one person i can turn to is imogen and doc

imogen just gets everything she just understands.
she gets why i hate people or certain things.
and if i text her randomly in class and tell her i need her she will run out of class and not even ask whats wrong and i stand patheticly in front of her and cry
she will just take my hand and sit me down and let me complain about my fail pathetic life.

i see people having what i want all the time
and i know all that dont compare shit
but i see friends with excatly what i want
but i dont get it.

"she laughs to easily and cries to hard"

i am so bored.
i almost want to go to france.
infact i was thinking about it the other day
beginning of my year january-april: perfect
march: yeah great :)
may-june: shitt
july: good
august-november: amazing
december: so far its been shit.


i cant believe i wasted a year on andrew,
or that things fell apart so fast
last time i knew things werent over
this time i know they are way past over.

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
Between the dirt with our palms cut like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

I do believe it's true
That there are holes left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

captured&saved.

i dont think anyone reads this.
so what ill say will be safe.
i can whine and be upset and no one will know.
which is fine by me
i hate peeople knowing im upset.
they walk around me like they are treading on egg shells.
and i hate it.
occasionaly there is a person who just stomps on them egg shells and it makes me feel better.

so people say talking about your problems helps
what if you cant?
what if there is sich a strong barrier holding your mouth clamped shut that it would be dangerous to open your mouth and cry about whats making you scared,
because thats the thing i am scared.
and there is nothing i can say because talking just wont help.

music controls how i feelthere is a song for everything
and when im pissed off or sad or even just happy
i can pick out songs that affect my mood.
i guess thats why i like singing.
i could sit at my keyboard and play and sing for hours and be happy
singing gives me a chance to be someone else who doesnt have to worry about school or friends or family.


i like reading old texts.remembering the bitching about teachers in class, meeting up with friends at the bathroom, the fighting, the love texts, the funny jokes with friends that if an outsider read them they would probably be confused or think your a hooker.
just remembering good times.

remembering
smiling

laughing

being happy.

i still am
i just cant explain the fact that somethings missing and i dont know what it is.

i need the beach
just to go there and sit there hugging my knees in the wind and watch the waves
and be alone
only i dont want to be alone.

i had a dream last night.
that my mum was dead
i can really call it a dream i was a nightmare
it was fucking horrible
i woke up crying, and breathing all heavy
and it scared me
i dont want to loose anyone in my life
im scared of loosing people.
people are talking about change but im happy i dont want things to change because im scared it will go wrong.

i know it sounds stupid
but ive lost alot
and somehow i always see it coming.
and im just so scared.

and i know he will never see this and know its about him.

im happy, for once.
and i dont want anything to change
but i know its going to.
i cant feel friends slipping from my fingers and i dont want them to go.
its like as soon as im happy everyone else around me falls apart
but i guess thats the point
we have to be happy while other people are sad so we can pick up the pieces
and be thankful we arent upset.
i guess i just hate my friends being upset because i can deal being upset
seeing these people upset and feeling alone is actualy painful to see.
knowing that i cant do much
and when situations arise and i cant do those little things i can guilt starts.
im happy there isnt much else i can say.
i just hate knowing it will change
i fear the change

love len.

you know what i love about msn?





(i left space for you to guess!)
(have some more!)




wrong wrong wrong!unless your right

no one knows in what tone your saying what your saying to them
for instance right now some very very very annoying person is talking to me
and they dont realise that everything im saying if they could hear it is in a rude manner.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: HEYYY!
you: hi.
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: how are you???
you: good

now this should be the end of the convosation as you have probably run out of things to say and you didnt say you?

welll no this reatard will continue
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: so what you been doing?
you: i cooked. took my dog for a walk and chilled on the phone with my friend
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: what you cook?
you: dinner
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: but what dinner?
you: nachos
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: wow thats sexy just like you.

you dont answer for some time.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: cause your really sexy.

you still *dont* answer.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: and thats dirty

finally you give up and say:
you: ha. ha.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: veeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrry dirty
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: so hows life

you (or what you wish you could say): FUCK OFF YOUR ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND I HATE YOU!
you (really say): brb.

or lets take textingsay i send a text and say
omg you fucking bitch how could you do it?!
all id have to do is add an "xx" at the end and you would think we are bee-eff-eff-fucking-ells
but thats why i love msn because i can be calling you a bitch but may never know it
only im probably not
only i could be.

love len. "XX"