captured&saved.

i dont think anyone reads this.
so what ill say will be safe.
i can whine and be upset and no one will know.
which is fine by me
i hate peeople knowing im upset.
they walk around me like they are treading on egg shells.
and i hate it.
occasionaly there is a person who just stomps on them egg shells and it makes me feel better.

so people say talking about your problems helps
what if you cant?
what if there is sich a strong barrier holding your mouth clamped shut that it would be dangerous to open your mouth and cry about whats making you scared,
because thats the thing i am scared.
and there is nothing i can say because talking just wont help.

music controls how i feelthere is a song for everything
and when im pissed off or sad or even just happy
i can pick out songs that affect my mood.
i guess thats why i like singing.
i could sit at my keyboard and play and sing for hours and be happy
singing gives me a chance to be someone else who doesnt have to worry about school or friends or family.


i like reading old texts.remembering the bitching about teachers in class, meeting up with friends at the bathroom, the fighting, the love texts, the funny jokes with friends that if an outsider read them they would probably be confused or think your a hooker.
just remembering good times.

remembering
smiling

laughing

being happy.

i still am
i just cant explain the fact that somethings missing and i dont know what it is.

i need the beach
just to go there and sit there hugging my knees in the wind and watch the waves
and be alone
only i dont want to be alone.

i had a dream last night.
that my mum was dead
i can really call it a dream i was a nightmare
it was fucking horrible
i woke up crying, and breathing all heavy
and it scared me
i dont want to loose anyone in my life
im scared of loosing people.
people are talking about change but im happy i dont want things to change because im scared it will go wrong.

i know it sounds stupid
but ive lost alot
and somehow i always see it coming.
and im just so scared.

and i know he will never see this and know its about him.

im happy, for once.
and i dont want anything to change
but i know its going to.
i cant feel friends slipping from my fingers and i dont want them to go.
its like as soon as im happy everyone else around me falls apart
but i guess thats the point
we have to be happy while other people are sad so we can pick up the pieces
and be thankful we arent upset.
i guess i just hate my friends being upset because i can deal being upset
seeing these people upset and feeling alone is actualy painful to see.
knowing that i cant do much
and when situations arise and i cant do those little things i can guilt starts.
im happy there isnt much else i can say.
i just hate knowing it will change
i fear the change

love len.

you know what i love about msn?





(i left space for you to guess!)
(have some more!)




wrong wrong wrong!unless your right

no one knows in what tone your saying what your saying to them
for instance right now some very very very annoying person is talking to me
and they dont realise that everything im saying if they could hear it is in a rude manner.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: HEYYY!
you: hi.
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: how are you???
you: good

now this should be the end of the convosation as you have probably run out of things to say and you didnt say you?

welll no this reatard will continue
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: so what you been doing?
you: i cooked. took my dog for a walk and chilled on the phone with my friend
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: what you cook?
you: dinner
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: but what dinner?
you: nachos
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: wow thats sexy just like you.

you dont answer for some time.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: cause your really sexy.

you still *dont* answer.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: and thats dirty

finally you give up and say:
you: ha. ha.

some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: veeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrry dirty
some loser who you hate but doesnt realise it: so hows life

you (or what you wish you could say): FUCK OFF YOUR ARE SO FUCKING ANNOYING AND I HATE YOU!
you (really say): brb.

or lets take textingsay i send a text and say
omg you fucking bitch how could you do it?!
all id have to do is add an "xx" at the end and you would think we are bee-eff-eff-fucking-ells
but thats why i love msn because i can be calling you a bitch but may never know it
only im probably not
only i could be.

love len. "XX"