Ten months and 7 days

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

So as I sit here on this rainy Saturday night I have to wonder after all these months what drove me back to my blog. Maybe its that to me spending my night on the couch in my pj's watching gossip girl or sitting on my computer listening to Adele's sad broken-hearted voice sing is just bloody depressing. Or maybe its that right now as much as I want to pretend I'm okay, I'm really just not. All I used to post about was how shit i felt, well here we are readers (not that theres many of you and for those who do read this (if any) you've probably heard this all before if not me whining on facebook but this feels like a BAD repeat of a teen drama.) 10 months and 7 days later and so much has happened and yet I don't feel different in some ways, I'm just the same.

My life reached a wonderfully dark place whilst I was at St Ives and I seriously thought about just giving up. I was 15 (oh how difficult for me right?) and the most joy I found in my day was finding creative ways of dying (majority of them were completely ridiculous but I did however decide that I want to be dipped in liquid nitrogen and smashed when I do pass on.) and so I did what all self respecting people do, I ran away from all of my problems and I left St Ives, Give myself a new clean slate that didn't end in me in a hospital bed or in group counselling.
I don't regret moving to St Andrews at all, but I do in some ways regret leaving St Ives. I walked away from my best friend and yes at the time we weren't talking but she was and had been someone I'd known and trusted all these years and I know she didn't exactly chase me but I still walked and for that in some ways I'm sorry I did that.

SO if we fast forward through the weeks of working and not attending school whilst finalising transfer papers and then the first few weeks at St Andrews which where good and bad, we get to me with new friends and a new life. Execpt that as I see it, much to the distain of the Reverend at my school I'm sure, we only get one life, one clean slate and as we go through life we dirty it and then we die to make room for someone else. As depressing as that sounds its not so bad, I want to believe there's a guy out there who is so powerful even he has the time to watch over me and that if I pray or live my life to his 'rules' that I'll be enternally saved. But the truth is; I don't want to live forever.

If you're still following we can fast forward to my 16th birthday, now I have never been one to go with the whole sweet-16 thing and believing that as soon as I turn 16 my world will turn around and I'd live like a fairy princess. No I'd figured that if my 'childhood' had been this gruelling turning 16 would mean nothing more then Legal Sex and my L plates.
But I was wrong. No I'm not now a fairy princess but in the month that followed my birthday everything changed. It was only two months ago and my writing will probably make it sound like it happened two years ago but here's what (sort of) happened.
I don't know how it started but I started living my weeks Wednesday to Wednesday, this is probably due to me being so bored in senoir choir that I got to thinking or maybe its because my counselling sessions are on Wednesdays, maybe its both?
But in choir I'd think about the week that was, and so many things did happen.

Here we get to the part that makes reference to the Adele song at the begginning.
The guy who managed to, well I don't know exactly what he's done to me but shit got fucked is my simplest explanation. I'm not going to write the whole thing out because I don't like publishing EVERYTHING about my life (haha, I know you don't believe me.)
But this person, they mean alot to me and I have little interest in a relationship with this person, but they promised they'd never walk away if I told them what I was feeling and in all seriousness I don't trust easily, but I thought that maybe this time I'd be lucky. Maybe this time he'll stay.
Dear readers, I can't actually tell you if he did walk away or run as he probably should, because for you to know what someones feeling, you have to know what someones feeling and as of this very point in time,
I've got no fucking idea.
I spent my time appologising to this person over and over, but I've done nothing to apologise for and I can finally see that.
As I begun whatever this was or is with this person I made it clear to myself that this would never become something to cry about and so far its been nothing but pain for someone I'M NOT EVEN DATING.
Waste of time basket? I think so. Except that I will never be able to do that, we both said we'd never walk away, and here I am standing here, I didn't walk,
and all I can think is; where the fuck are you?

"Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own saviour standing on my own two feet."

It wasn't all badl, there were some really good times between us and I don't love or even really like this person but im just confused as to what the fuck is happening. It's all just messed up and confused and I want to talk to them because they somehow manage to know when everything is wrong and nothings okay but I really don't want to be the first one all the time, I just start to feel annoying and immature.

I'm just begginning to long for the past, and my past has been fucking aweful so that kind of concerns me, I just miss not caring about what my grades were, or when the biggest issue I had was how to get vodka for the weekends escapades. I miss something that when I had it I didn't really realise how much I'd miss it when i threw it away.

"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark"

Don't you think it's weird?

I like the way you never sleep
And the promises you never keep.
I like the way you say hello
And make it sound like time to go.

I like like the scar above your lip; the way you let your feelings slip but they are never what you feel, oh so fake but completely real.
You like the rules that don't apply and let the good things pass you by
Standing there without a plan; that's why your such a happy man.

I want to make some changes
I want my money back
I want to start up again
I want to talk to strangers
I want to be with you;
But I just don't know where or when

That's what you are that's what you want to be:
What I like about you is what you like about me; don't you think it's weird?

what a feeling.

I never understood before, I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore; What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history, I didnt believe in destiny. I looked up you're standing next to me; What a feeling.

I never saw it happening, I'd given up and given in. I just couldn't take the hurt again; What a feeling

I didn't have the strength to fight, suddenly you seemed so right. Me and you; What a feeling.

What a feeling in my soul, Love burns brighter than sunshine. Let the rain fall, I don't care. I'm yours and suddenly you're mine.

Love will remain a mystery but give me your hand and you will see Your heart is keeping time with me.

i love the way you lie.

i love you has eight letters but so does bullshit.

every word you said,
every thing you did,
every kiss,
every hug,
every smile
was a lie.

but what it could of been; you're that maybe i'll hold onto, the chance that if something has just gone differently maybe my life would of changed. It's never going to happen, but i cling to that shed of hope that maybe if i could go back and change things, it would all somehow be better. infact i think we all have that one moment we wish we had of said yes instead of no or turned away and never looked back instead of staying and just thinking: maybe things will change.hope and denial seem to co-inside with eachother, your waiting for a miracle to save you when if its a miracle your hopeing for isnt that just dumb? arent miracles there because they just dont happen that often. but whats fate?


just going to stand there and watch me burn, but thats alright because i like the way it hurts
just going to stand there and watch me cry but thats alright because i love the way you lie; i love the way you lie.

im sorry, blame it on me

"As life goes on I'm starting to learn more and more about responsibility
and i realise everything i do is affecting the people around me
so i want to take this time out to apologize for the things that I've done."

im sorry, its a phrase we use more then a million times in our lifes, we say it because we have to, want to, need to or know that if we dont we wont ever be forgiven.
its the easiest thing to say but can be the hardest

to you people ive ever hurt, im sorry.

to a girl, alcohol begun our stupid upset in our friendship and for every drunken over reaction or self obessed cry or calling you a bitch for a stupid meaningless crush.
i will always be there for you, i love you.
im sorry, blame it on me.

to a boy, i never was honest to you and i hurt you in a way i wouldnt wish on you. as a friend you mean so much to me, you are a sweet honest nice person, and im so sorry that it turned out this way.
im sorry, blame it on me.

to a girl, even though its no excuse i promise it just came out and i should of thought before i spoke and i know that our friendship is inevitably ruined and im no longer your number one, but i can live with that just as long as you know im here whenever the times get tough, when the world brings you down im here for you.
i love you.
im sorry, blame it on me.

to a boy, i made things so complicated, i never learnt when to back off and stop. i made it your fault when you were honest from the start. you are the kindest most amazing kid, you make me laugh everytime i see you. if i ruined anything for you.
i am sorry, blame it on me.

to a girl, oh god where to begin, every day you are amazing, i value and your love more then anything. just knowing i hurt you breaks me down so bad, if i could change things i would.
you are my life, my roll model, i love you more then words.
im sorry,blame it on me.

If i cant apologise for being wrong, then its just a shame on me, i'll be the reason for your pain and you can put the blame on me.

love you or love you not

i have always made a promise to myself to never let my feelings be put out in writing.
it will always find away of coming back to haunt me, and yet as my fingers stroke the keys i cannot help but think that by putting this down in writing im cementing it in to history, that someone will always know i felt this way.

to the girl,
you told me last night i wasnt special that people feel have felt this way before,
your right, you've felt it, you still feel the aftermath of it.
im not anything special in this situation, im just fucking stuff up.
im so very sorry, this whole thing has caused a stake inside our friend ship, and i cannot begin to say how much you mean to me. i love you and your opinion of me is always held in my highest reguard.

to the guy,
i have to put this out there, i cant make up my mind, im not sure wether i want you, but then i again i know i do. i've been hurt before im so wary of any person i let in, and im so afraid that by letting you in im just going to be hurt and that why i acted the way i did.
i needed some sort of commitment some kind of proof that i wont be screwed over by life again.
some of the things i said scared you and maybe it means you didnt mean what you said.
but i meant every word, every syllable, every breath.
i am going away and i guess this is the last time we will 'talk' for a while, i'll miss you and im sorry.
i honestly cant help the fact that i like you and that i want you, but i know i just cant have you.
i guess i just feel like the drowning girl in miami shark, you've just eaten me up,
and swam away.

I'm still alive but im barely breathing, just praying to a god that i dont believe in.
I got time while, he got freedom, cause when a heart breaks it don't break even.

baggage reclaim

while time can take you from away the past, every decision we make will follow us around forever.

regrets are the worst thing to carry, they have no handles and always cost a shitload in over weight baggage at airport check in's. As far as emotional baggage goes regrets seem to be the worst, they never leave because you were at fault this time. regrets are often those spur of the moment choices. one moment leads to lots of moments guilt and regret.
how much baggage do you carry from your past?
if it was loaded onto your back would be able to carry it.
or have you put your "belongings" in to a vacum suction bag and made it all seem lighter?
would you pass the 20kg limit at the check in.
can you really fly through your life baggage free?
would your world fit in to your suitcase.
if your baggage is overweight should you try throw out that regret, trying fixing whatever mistake you made in packing that coffee plunger. one regret doesnt take that long to turn into two.
a coffee plunger and a 1kg bag of arabica beans.

we are defined by our emotional suitecase, they change in colours and sizes; brands and makes, to suit our lifes baggage. eventually you my find someone to help carry the bags around your life with you but every person has their own emotional baggage.

maybe people dont realise this but people seem to dump there baggage and problems on people like lowlife bellboys at the hotel of life.
should you go visit baggage reclaim; or would you just regret it.