Ten months and 7 days

"Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."

So as I sit here on this rainy Saturday night I have to wonder after all these months what drove me back to my blog. Maybe its that to me spending my night on the couch in my pj's watching gossip girl or sitting on my computer listening to Adele's sad broken-hearted voice sing is just bloody depressing. Or maybe its that right now as much as I want to pretend I'm okay, I'm really just not. All I used to post about was how shit i felt, well here we are readers (not that theres many of you and for those who do read this (if any) you've probably heard this all before if not me whining on facebook but this feels like a BAD repeat of a teen drama.) 10 months and 7 days later and so much has happened and yet I don't feel different in some ways, I'm just the same.

My life reached a wonderfully dark place whilst I was at St Ives and I seriously thought about just giving up. I was 15 (oh how difficult for me right?) and the most joy I found in my day was finding creative ways of dying (majority of them were completely ridiculous but I did however decide that I want to be dipped in liquid nitrogen and smashed when I do pass on.) and so I did what all self respecting people do, I ran away from all of my problems and I left St Ives, Give myself a new clean slate that didn't end in me in a hospital bed or in group counselling.
I don't regret moving to St Andrews at all, but I do in some ways regret leaving St Ives. I walked away from my best friend and yes at the time we weren't talking but she was and had been someone I'd known and trusted all these years and I know she didn't exactly chase me but I still walked and for that in some ways I'm sorry I did that.

SO if we fast forward through the weeks of working and not attending school whilst finalising transfer papers and then the first few weeks at St Andrews which where good and bad, we get to me with new friends and a new life. Execpt that as I see it, much to the distain of the Reverend at my school I'm sure, we only get one life, one clean slate and as we go through life we dirty it and then we die to make room for someone else. As depressing as that sounds its not so bad, I want to believe there's a guy out there who is so powerful even he has the time to watch over me and that if I pray or live my life to his 'rules' that I'll be enternally saved. But the truth is; I don't want to live forever.

If you're still following we can fast forward to my 16th birthday, now I have never been one to go with the whole sweet-16 thing and believing that as soon as I turn 16 my world will turn around and I'd live like a fairy princess. No I'd figured that if my 'childhood' had been this gruelling turning 16 would mean nothing more then Legal Sex and my L plates.
But I was wrong. No I'm not now a fairy princess but in the month that followed my birthday everything changed. It was only two months ago and my writing will probably make it sound like it happened two years ago but here's what (sort of) happened.
I don't know how it started but I started living my weeks Wednesday to Wednesday, this is probably due to me being so bored in senoir choir that I got to thinking or maybe its because my counselling sessions are on Wednesdays, maybe its both?
But in choir I'd think about the week that was, and so many things did happen.

Here we get to the part that makes reference to the Adele song at the begginning.
The guy who managed to, well I don't know exactly what he's done to me but shit got fucked is my simplest explanation. I'm not going to write the whole thing out because I don't like publishing EVERYTHING about my life (haha, I know you don't believe me.)
But this person, they mean alot to me and I have little interest in a relationship with this person, but they promised they'd never walk away if I told them what I was feeling and in all seriousness I don't trust easily, but I thought that maybe this time I'd be lucky. Maybe this time he'll stay.
Dear readers, I can't actually tell you if he did walk away or run as he probably should, because for you to know what someones feeling, you have to know what someones feeling and as of this very point in time,
I've got no fucking idea.
I spent my time appologising to this person over and over, but I've done nothing to apologise for and I can finally see that.
As I begun whatever this was or is with this person I made it clear to myself that this would never become something to cry about and so far its been nothing but pain for someone I'M NOT EVEN DATING.
Waste of time basket? I think so. Except that I will never be able to do that, we both said we'd never walk away, and here I am standing here, I didn't walk,
and all I can think is; where the fuck are you?

"Next time I'll be braver, I'll be my own saviour standing on my own two feet."

It wasn't all badl, there were some really good times between us and I don't love or even really like this person but im just confused as to what the fuck is happening. It's all just messed up and confused and I want to talk to them because they somehow manage to know when everything is wrong and nothings okay but I really don't want to be the first one all the time, I just start to feel annoying and immature.

I'm just begginning to long for the past, and my past has been fucking aweful so that kind of concerns me, I just miss not caring about what my grades were, or when the biggest issue I had was how to get vodka for the weekends escapades. I miss something that when I had it I didn't really realise how much I'd miss it when i threw it away.

"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark"